


Run Free

by Cafechan



Series: dark blue - a collection of teen titans short stories [2]
Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: F/M, tagging is a hassle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cafechan/pseuds/Cafechan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It comes and goes in waves, but Beast Boy struggles with conflicting instincts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run Free

**Author's Note:**

> felt like reposting all my teen titans hooey on ao3...

Out of all the Titans, Beast Boy is privately considered by his peers to be the one with the most control over his superpowers. On the surface, this seems to be a misplaced judgment, but both Raven and Starfire's powers are at the whim of their emotions, and Cyborg's are limited by his technical understanding and hardware. Beast Boy's animal forms come more naturally to him than the others' paranormal capabilities do, and sometimes the girls and the half-robot man make off-handed comments about how nice it must be to not be restrained by anything.

Beast Boy shrugs and laughs good-naturedly when the subject is breached. He knows how Raven's powers are volatile, how everyday is a struggle to keep them in check for the safety of others, how she secretly wishes she could just relieve her pent-up feelings once in a while but simply can't risk it. He knows how Starfire still misses her own culture's way of embracing emotions and passions wholeheartedly, how she often reins in her zealous feelings for the sake of cultural sensitivity, how this sometimes throws her powers off balance. He knows how even now, Cyborg hasn't completely come to terms with his body and its needs, how he has to struggle through puberty with flesh and metal mutually rejecting each other, how anger surges through the young man's circuits any time he's stumped on an aspect of his mechanical half and needs to consult someone from S.T.A.R. Labs for assistance. Their leader, however bereft of super powers he may be, more than compensates for his shortcomings with intense training and sheer determination that could be taken as a power in itself.

Beast Boy doesn't think that, in comparison to his teammates, his own struggles are worth mentioning. He's learned better over the years how to cope with the issues, anyway, and he doesn't want to seem petty in the face of their far more taxing personal hurdles.

Yet, the fact remains that there are times where he feels he is being splintered into a thousand pieces. During those times, he leaves the tower; sometimes being outside where he can smell the wind and hear the world allays the problem a little. But even alone, surrounded by nature, his problem persists.

It comes and goes in waves, but Beast Boy struggles with conflicting instincts.

While his shapeshifting is in many ways more streamlined with his regular inclinations than the others' abilities are, sometimes unexpected animalistic desires hit him like a blow in the gut, and when the desires are at odds with each other, it's like being punched  _and_  pulled into all different directions at the same time. Often, for example, when the weather turns cold, his instincts urge him to leave. Leave,  _fly away_ , you don't belong here. You belong somewhere warm. Other sets of instincts tell him to stay; stay with the pack. Stay where it's safe. This is your den. Some nights he can't sleep because a piece of him is roused by the darkness, prepared to hunt by the moonlight. Meanwhile, another piece yearns for sporadic, light sleep, because he needs to stay on his toes, stay alert at all times, keep an eye on his territory.

He needs to sleep, he needs to run, he needs to swim, he needs to prowl. Some days, he feels so many different impulses and needs that he wants nothing more than to break down and scream. It's all overwhelming to say the least, and his ultimately human body always ends up worn and confused. The solution is usually going through the demanding instincts like a to-do list and satisfying them as best as he can, one at a time. He'll fly around the roof for a while, then burrow in the island's soft soil, then howl at the moon. It doesn't always completely rid him of the itching inclinations, but it relieves him to varying degrees.

Today is one of those days where a few too many instincts are clawing at the corners of his mind, and he just doesn't have the capacity to pick them apart and process them cohesively. He instead opts to cope with himself by brooding alone.

The wall of rocks by the shore has become his go-to "spot" over the years, and today is no exception. He inhales, savoring the familiar scent of wet soil tinged with a distant, wafting hint of the city. For a while, he's able to force his mind to focus solely on external stimulation: the salty air, the cool, smooth rocks, the changing colors in the sky. By the time the sun slips away for its other obligations, however, he remembers the initial motivation for escaping to his thinking spot in the first place; instincts crash back into him like a runaway car, and he holds his head and groans.

This feeling is familiar, and he's been dancing around the issue for quite a while, but Beast Boy is not really one to lie to himself. This sensation, of pulsating veins and tensing limbs and dilating eyes and control slipping between his fingers like it's made of liquid, is all too much like how he felt when The Beast took over. After talking with a certain empath about The Beast, he came to accept that it was a natural part of him, but another part of him fears it yet. Certainly, his primal side had pure intentions the first time it reared its head, but what if that's not always the case? What if the next time he channels it, it gives in to less wholesome notions?

"Kinda late for a swim," interrupts a monotone voice he's too intimately familiar with to require turning around and seeing its owner.

"Yeah," he replies dismissively, giving a shrug that he hopes looks relaxed. "Just thought I'd enjoy the evening air."

"Are you sure that's all it is?" Raven asks, sliding down into a sitting position next to him.

"Yeah! I mean, it's nice weather, and who knows how much longer it'll be like this, what with winter around the corner. It'd be a waste to not enjoy it now and then, and plus—"

"Beast Boy," she cuts in with an even tone.

"Huh?"

"Just tell me what's wrong."

Beast Boy rubs the back of his head and shoots her a sheepish grin. "Guess I can't lie to an empath, huh?"

She shakes her head. "I don't need to use empathy on you. You're easy to see through. I mean, you're babbling about the weather, you haven't made one witty comeback, and you haven't said the word 'dude' a single time. Something's obviously wrong."

Torn between feeling offended that she thinks of him as transparent and flattered that she's showing a roundabout form of concern, he finally decides to just laugh. "Dude, I do not say 'dude'  _that_  much."

"Of course," she says with a sarcastic eye roll, and the faintest of smiles. "So…?"

"So… I guess I'm kind of struggling with something personal lately. Like, I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm arguing with myself internally." He pauses to see if she has any comments yet, but the only indication Raven gives of her attention is a patient nod. He continues, "It's kind of stupid, but sometimes it's as if there's a zillion animals in my head, arguing about what I should do with myself. I must finally be goin' crazy, huh?"

Raven does not return the wry smile he offers her. Her mouth twists in contemplation before replying sincerely, "It's not crazy. I can relate pretty closely to that feeling. You know, with my… splintered emotions."

"Oh yeah… I never thought about that." Beast Boy considers this comparison with an uncharacteristically serious expression. Having met Raven's personified emotions for himself, he can definitely visualize them clashing and contradicting each other in the same way his animal instincts are. "So what do you do? When they tear you into different directions?"

"I know this answer won't excite you, but most of the time, I meditate. Meditation isn't only good for keeping emotions in check, but also for disentangling them from one another and rationalizing them as well. Instincts and emotions are a little different, but I think the principle should still apply."

"Then… do you think you could teach me?" Beast Boy bites his bottom lip and glances up at Raven to gauge her reaction.

The girl's neutral expression breaks for a brief moment to express surprise before hastily returning to normal. "You… want to learn how to meditate? Are you serious? You do realize that there's no talking, joking, or other obnoxious bodily noises during meditation, right?"

"C'mon, Raven, give me a little more credit!" the changeling insists with a playful glare. "It can't be all bad if you do it all the time. Teach me how to meditate."

His companion takes a long, thoughtful pause before she finally yields with a shrug, taking up her usual lotus position. Beast Boy scrambles his limbs to copy her. Raven raises an eyebrow, amused and reminded of the time she taught Starfire how to meditate. She's suspicious, initially, that Beast Boy is insincere in his request, but one look at his intense concentration dispels any suspicion. He _actually_  wants to learn how to meditate.

Once his eyes are closed, she permits herself a tiny smile. "Find your center, and focus your energies. In your case, try to empty your mind of all instincts. Once your mind is clear, then gradually try to sort your way through each impulse."

Beast Boy nods, and then mumbles affirmation once he remembers that her eyes are closed too. "Hey, Raven?"

"Yes?"

He pauses, choosing his words carefully before settling upon something simple. "Thanks, for helping me out."

She peeks an eye open at him and finds he's doing the same. "No problem."

Beast Boy and Raven chant the empath's regular incantation together for a while, and his mind does eventually unravel itself. Each thought and desire comes loose until the knot finally dissipates altogether, and he's not sure if it's the meditation or Raven's proximity that allows him to put the nagging at ease. Either way, he finally feels free to relax.


End file.
